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Let’s face it – English is a crazy language, most lunatic of all languages. In the crazy
English language, blackboards can be green or blue, and blackberries are green and then red
before they are ripe. There is no egg in eggplant, no grape in grapefruit, neither mush nor room
in mushroom, neither pine nor apple in pine-apple, and no ham in hamburger. In this unreliable
English tongue, greyhounds aren’t always grey, panda bears and koala bears aren’t bears, and a
guinea pig is neither a pig nor from Guinea.
Language is like the air we breathe – we take it for granted. But when we take the time to
listen to what we say, we find that hot dogs can be cold, homework can be done at school,
nightmares can take place in broad daylight while daydreaming can take place at night, hours –
especially rush hours – often last longer than sixty minutes, and most bathrooms don’t have any
baths in them. In fact, a dog can ‘go to the bathroom’ under a tree. Why is it that a king rules a
kingdom but a queen doesn’t rule a queendom? And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t
fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn’t the
plural of booth be beeth?
If you write a letter today and wrote a letter yesterday, why don’t we say that you bite
your tongue today and bote yesterday? If the teacher taught, why isn’t it also true that the
preacher praught? Why is it that the sun shone yesterday while I shined my shoes? If olive oil is
made from olives, what do they make baby oil from? If hard is the opposite of soft, why is
hardly not opposite of softly? If harmless actions are the opposite of harmful actions, why is
shameful and shameless behavior the same and pricey objects less expensive than priceless ones?
Why is it that when the sun or the moon or the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights
are out, they are invisible?
English users are constantly standing meaning on its head. Let’s look at a number of
familiar English words and phrases:
A non- stop flight. Never get on one of these. You’ll never get down.
A hot cup of coffee. Who cares if the cup is hot? Surely we mean a cup of hot coffee.
I want to have my cake and eat it too. Shouldn’t it be ‘I want to eat my cake and have it
too’?
Watch your head! You can often see this sign on low doorways, but how can you follow
the instructions? Trying to watch your head is like trying to bite your teeth!They’re head over heels in love. That’s nice, but all of us do almost everything head over
heels. Why don’t we say, ‘They’re heels over head in love’?
They do things behind my back. You want they should do things in front of your back?
And in what other language can your nose run?
If the truth be told, all languages are little crazy. That’s because language is created by
people, not computers. That’s why six, seven, eight and nine change to sixty, seventy, eighty and
ninety, but two, three, four and five do not become twoty, threety, fourty and fivety. That’s why
we wear a pair of pants but except on very cold days, not a pair of shirts. That’s why I wind up
my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.